Gonff Proofing The Kitchen: Short
by RedBow
Summary: Columbine has had enough of Gonff's bandit ways... It isn't any where near perfection, I rushed a bit. But hey, it is a short!


_A/N:I don't own any of the characters places etc etc. Columbine might seem slightly OOC._

'**Gonff-Proofing' the Kitchen:A Redwall Short**

It was a fine summer day. The sky was the most delicate shade of blue. Wisps of white cloud hung in it. The canopy of Mossflower woods stirred with a gentle breeze. The birds were singing their lazy summer son…

"AAAAAAAURRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGG!" A scream rent through the peaceful abbey atmosphere. A rock that Foremole Dinny had been carving, split from head to toe, all the birds in Mossflower lay eggs and milk in the kitchens curdled.

Columbine burst from the Abbey's doors, her usually gentle eyes were tinted red with the Bloodwrath. Marching up to Martin (Redwall's Warrior), she prodded him firmly in the chest. Gulping slightly, Martin stammered, "Wwwhat's up Ccccolumbine?"

"WHAT'S UP? WHAT'S UP? I'LL TELL YOU WHAT'S UP. MY PIE WAS STOLEN! STOLEN I TELL YOU! MY BEST TASTIEST PIE, WITH STEWED APPLE AND BLACKBERRY INSIDE, STUFFED WITH CUSTARD AND CREAM! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO DID IT?

"No…" Replied Martin lying through his teeth.

"WHEN I FIND GONFF I'M GOING TO KILL HIM" Screamed Columbine frothing at the mouth, obviously not fooled. She picked up the thick Sycamore bough that Martin was chopping up for firewood and snapped it like a twig!

By now Martin was drowning in his own perspiration and had to be revived Chugger, who happened to be in a nearby tree. Once Chugger had finished pounding his chest, Martin noted that Columbine was gone. 'Poor Gnoff,' Martin thought, coughing up water – much to Chugger's amusement.

On the other side of the grounds, an explosion was seen. Racing across the lawn came Gonff, a scared expression crossing his face that usually had a silly grin plastered over it. Under his arm he clutched a bundle wrapped in a tea towel.

"Quick, hide me matey!" He hissed. "It's the missus, she has a Bazooka!"

Martin spluttered and sprinted off. "Hah, you're on your own."

Gonff groaned. Suddenly, he was struck with a bright idea. Dashing off to the cellars, he entered. Ferdy and Koggs were asleep, snoring uproariously. He quickly ran around, peering inside barrels to se if they had liquid in them. When he found one that was empty, he slipped the pie over to Ferdy, where it nestled under his arm.

Carefully Gonff entered the barrel, and pulled the lid shut over his ears. Then he began to wait…

* * *

After this memorable event, the founders of Redwall had a meeting. They all agreed on one thing – Gonff had to be dealt with.

Columbine had insisted that she be put in charge of her husband, smiling with evil delight she decided to put her plans of totally 'Gonff-Proofing " the kitchen into action. Both Martin and Skipper saw this as a waste of time . He isn't called the prince of Mousethieves for nothing!

* * *

The next day Columbine wore a black cloak and slipped out of the East wall gates. She went down to the woodland black Market and bought one thing. When she arrived at Redwall she baked a delicious pie, and set it to cool on the windowsill, along with some other, more delicate items. Un known to her, the cheeky Mousethieve was watching, giggling childishly. He raced up the abbey stairs, to reach the under-construction rooms. He went to an area on the floor where he was directly above the kitchen windowsill. Attaching a thick vine rope to his waist, he threw himself off the edge. Sailing down he passed a window where lady amber was in a hot tub. Covering his eyes politely, he waited until he passed the window. Once he was level with the kitchens windowsill, he casually threw some of the 'delicate items' in the murky dishwater. Chuckling evilly he grabbed the golden-brown pie, and zoomed back up again like a bungee jumper. Landing neatly on his footpaws, Gonff cut a huge wedge out of the pie with his dagger, then plopped it neatly in his mouth.

Meanwhile, Columbine had to go in the kitchen to wash the greasy pots and pans. Sighing, she plunged her hands into brown, opaque water.

With a yelp she withdrew them! Her hands were locked in, of all the worst horrors in the world.

A MOUSE TRAP!

Screaming bloody murder, Columbine proceeded to run around the abbey. Once again milk was affected, but this time it turned into cheese! It took five fully-grown, burly, otters to restrain Columbine from throttling her irrepressible husband. He happened to be sharing the pie, in plain view, with Chugger, Gonfflet and any one else who wanted a wedge.

Once her hands had recovered, Columbine proceeded to upgrade the kitchen. The door was sealed with over 5 different padlocks and the windowsill was criss-crossed with lasers that would fry anything that touched them. When anyone asked if she thought that she was being over the top, she simply grunted.

After a week of non-stolen pies Columbine once again screamed. Her husband had stolen a pie again. After the usual chasing, bazookering, screaming and wrestling, Columbine asked her husband how he did it (Whilst in bed). Turning over he smirked and replied

"You left the keys in the locks, dear," and with that, he started snoring.


End file.
